Can Open Relationships Work?
There is no one-size-fits-all relationship model that works for everyone. However – the more you consciously co-create your relationship, the more likely it is to last.
Some people thrive in monogamy, and others in a more open agreement. If you’ve been wondering if open relationships can work for you, here’s a practical guide.
Is an Open Relationship For You?
People who desire consistency and feel threatened by the thought of their partner being with someone else, may do better with monogamy. Those who are more capable of dealing with jealousy and crave more variety, may do better with non-monogamy.
No matter if a relationship is monogamous or open though – what makes it work is mutual trust, respect, attachment, good communication, and empathy. Throw in the ability to self-reflect, grow, be considerate, and support each other in being true to who you are – and you have the makings of a truly fulfilling partnership.
But every relationship has unmet needs. And when these are not threatening to the partners in the relationship, people often outsource them. For example, some people like to dance, but their partner doesn’t. If their partner is ok with it, they take dance lessons themselves, or find a long-term dance partner.
How to Deal with Unmet Needs
However, when there are unmet needs, you have tried to address them, but it’s somehow impossible, then you are left with essentially five approaches:
- Stay and build resentment
- Accept disappointment and stay
- Leave or divorce
- Outsource the need dishonestly (cheat)
- Outsource the need honestly
In the face these options, honest outsourcing is often a viable option that can feel much better than resentment, dishonesty, or divorce.
Opening your relationship may mean that you can enjoy the depth of understanding and support that long-term loving relationships offer – while also experiencing the excitement of new partners.
Bringing new people into a relationship can often reignite passion between you and your partner. It can also make you feel accepted in all of your desires – which helps you feel more loving towards your partner, and increases stability in the relationship. No one needs to leave or lie in order to get their needs met.
If you do decide to open up, a sex and relationship coach can be instrumental in helping you choose the approach that works best for you. Some people go for a swinger lifestyle, while others prefer polyamory. Yet others create their own personal definition of non-monogamy or open marriage.
You may want to explore your options as a team, or branch off and have your own experiences (or both).
Why You Might Want to Open Your Relationship
There are many reasons why you might consider exploring the option of an open relationship:
- You are each other’s family, you feel very connected and match well in all other aspects of life. The sexual spark has gone out (or there never really was one), but you still want to stay together.
- You have children and are wonderful co-parents, but are no longer romantic or sexual partners. You don’t want to leave, but you want sex or romance in your life.
- You love and desire each other, but want more variety. One, or both of you, have never been a naturally monogamous and you want to embrace your true selves.
- You have sexual desires your partner does not want to meet, and you feel your life is not fulfilled if you don’t get to experience them.
- You feel safe and attached to one another, but to bring more excitement and variety into your sexual relationship.
One Couple’s Journey into Open Relationship
In our years as sex & relationship coaches, Celeste and I have seen many marriages saved by opening up, which has created long-term stability in their partnership and for their children.
One of these couples came into our office after the woman had an affair. After exploring deeply whether they wanted monogamy, and what they wanted out of their sexual relationship, they both agreed that they still loved each other and wanted to keep their sexual connection.
At the same time, they had very different sexual and romantic needs. They wanted to keep their relationship honest and open, so each could get those needs met and avoid divorce or bitter resentment towards one another.
At the end of our sessions together, the woman said, “He is totally there for me, is an amazing father, and also supports me in getting my sexual and emotional needs met. Why would I go anywhere else?!” Her husband added, “I feel like I’m getting to have the college years I always dreamed of but was too shy to enjoy.”
How Sex and Relationship Coaching Can Help
- Understand what you need in your relationship and how to ask for it
- Be able to be vulnerable and see your partner more clearly
- Learn to accept yourself and your partner for who you are
- Make your contract transparent so you can see and evaluate unspoken agreements
- Explore the possibility of open relationship and the feelings that arise around it
- Explore your boundaries and comfort level
- Explore and negotiate the format that works for you
What to Do Next? Start your Shared Journey!
- Book a Relationship Coaching session
- Read the book Making Love Real
- Take one of our online Relationship Classes
