The Secrets of Sexual Self Esteem & Awareness

In September 2019, Celeste & Danielle joined Jovelyn Richards on her The Space Between Us radio show on KPFA Radio in Berkeley, California. Topics centered on sexual self esteem, awareness and care, asexuality, HSDD, and the functionality of orgasms in women. Listen to the audio, or read the transcript blog post.

What is Somatica – and Why is it so Powerful?

Jovelyn: I’m interested in your work. Tell me what’s it all about.

Celeste: The Somatica Method is experiential sex and relationship coaching. We engage in mutual vulnerability to help our clients practice emotional and erotic intimacy. We also train therapists and coaches to do the same so they can help their clients. Somatica is an interactive, in-depth process of self-discovery.

Danielle: People look at sex as very transactional – and in doing so, miss so much of the true power of sex. Sexual energy is a way to go back to yourself, practice self care and be empowered and connected to your life force. When we are disconnected from our sexual energy we are “walking heads”. We go around doing what we should do – instead of what we really want to do.

Jovelyn: This is a change in the definition of sex – from something that we do, or will someday do, or don’t want to do, to something that is within us: a very powerful life force.

Celeste: Our desire is what drives us to discover what we really want for ourselves out in the world. When we are taught to disconnect from it, it disempowers us in every area of our life. Women are particularly taught to distance ourselves from our sexuality because of slut-shaming. Reconnection helps us feel alive, motivated and inspired in every are of our lives, including work and family.

Can Orgasms be Functional?

Jovelyn: Why did you decide to embark on this type of work?

Celeste: I was always very sexual and interested in sexuality from a young age. Also, my hippie upbringing provided an environment where bodies were not shamed. I loved to talk about sex and loved the energy exchange of flirtation. From an early age, I knew it was what I wanted to do.

Danielle: I also started from a place of strong sexual desire, and knew I wanted to be a sex therapist from a young age. My parents were very policing and shaming around many fields but not sex. They didn’t talk about it, which was great. I studied therapy and social work, and eventually found my way back to studying sexuality through working as a childbirth educator. I realized there how disempowered women are around childbirth and owning their bodies. Also, no one talks to you about the connection between childbirth and sex – that you can actually use your sexuality as a force to help you give birth. 

Jovelyn: Alice Walker talks about this in her book The Temple of My Familiar – how midwives rubbed cream in women’s vaginas and helped them orgasm to make it easier for the baby to come out.

Danielle: Orgasms are not just a luxury, but functional for women. They help us women feel better about ourselves and are functional in childbirth to help move the baby along.

The Power of Sexual Self Esteem

Jovelyn: I went to the Somatica Institute website and watched some of the YouTube videos of the client Somatica Sessions. I’m also really interested in the books you wrote – Making Love Real and Cockfidence. Sex, sexuality and intimacy are explosive words that bring up a lot for people, but it is something we do need to be able to discuss.

In the video I saw, a person will come to you and talk about the places they are getting stuck, emotionally or sexually with a partner. You hold them. There is intimacy that is taking place. You hold your clients close and put your hands on their hearts – your connection with your clients is very intimate, loving, and tender. In one of your videos, you are telling a client that when their partner makes a request, they shouldn’t just do it. But instead, they should really look to see what they can get out of fulfilling the request. Did I understand that correctly?

Celeste: People often have the goal of pleasing their partner instead of having the attitude ‘What do I really want from sex and what excites me about this experience?’’. If people are just focusing on their partner, their partner won’t really feel the erotic energy coming from them. So we want people to get inside themselves and know what they want. This is a gift to themselves and their partner, because that’s what creates the circuit of sexual self esteem. If everyone is bringing their true desires, is communicating about them, practicing and learning them together, the energy can get really high.

Asexuality & the Pressure to be Sexual

Jovelyn: I want to introduce a caller, Lisa, who mentioned asexuality, which is something she felt after becoming post-menopausal. I’ve also interviewed many people who have always felt asexual and and who are more interested in intimacy than sex. I also see a current pressure for young women to feel more sexual. There is now even a special term that refers to someone who is only interested in sex if it includes intimacy. Young women who do not want to have sex are being told something is wrong with them. Can you comment on the fact that there is a rise in asexuality and a pressure to be sexual at the same time?

Danielle: Women are definitely subject to hormonal changes throughout their life. Also, because of slut-shaming early on and a lack of right to their own sexuality, they feel sex is for someone else, or only in service of keeping the relationship alive. Women do not cultivate their relationships with sexuality as a self-care process, or something that is inherently good for them. As a result, when the hormonal support is gone (which has a big impact on some women and not on others), many women don’t know how to stay connected to their sexuality. They don’t have access to their sexuality because they have not spent a lifetime relating to themselves as sexual beings.

Jovelyn: So you’re saying if a woman were connected to her sexual power, she would know how to enter the door of her sexuality – even without hormones.

Danielle: Yes, absolutely. Hormonal drops will result in some changes, and women will have to navigate it, because it is not the same level of desire they had at 19 or 35. However – if women have a lifelong practice of connecting with their own sexuality, it might cause them not to give up on sex. We help women to really cultivate their sexual self esteem as something for them – and not for someone else. To give women permission to do that is the most powerful thing.

Celeste : I also want to honor the fact that there are people who are simply asexual. Once they go through the process of seeing if they have sexual desire, they might come to find they are asexual. It is not our job to make people sexual – it is our job to connect people to their true will and follow it.

Sexual Self Care

Jovelyn: Tia – who is in the studio with us – has a question about sexual self care. She thinks not a lot of people are aware of sexual self care. What are some tools of sexual self care we should use or teach?

Celeste: Orgasms are my number one form of self-care. If I don’t have them regularly, I feel depressed and listless. When I do have them regularly, I feel so much more alive and relaxed. Having orgasms regularly keep me balanced which helps me handle any problems that comes my way. 

For people who aren’t connected to themselves that way, we start with sexual self connection. Clients often come into our offices saying they want better sex with their partner – but we always start by getting them connected with themselves. We help them explore how they like to touch their own body. Or how they like to breathe so they feel more aroused and connected. And how they want to move their bodies and make sounds that enlivens them.

We also help them explore their fantasies. Finding out if they have a fantasy life, and if they have ever tried to explore what they find to be psychologically arousing is a first step. We look at all of these aspects and build a foundation of eroticism from the ground up. Then they are ready to share with a partner.

Danielle: Connecting to your desire is like building muscles in a systematic way. 

Breathwork Exercises

Jovelyn: So – slow it down for our listening audience and those who want to understand the wonderfulness of connecting with their own sexual self esteem and desire. Talk about what a person would expect coming into a session for the first time. After we say “hello” – then what?

Danielle: We first help a person connect with their own body through breathing in, breathing out, making sound, feeling the way the voice is connected to the pelvic floor.

Jovelyn: What information are you gathering when you have someone breathe like that?

Danielle: We are, for example, checking to see if the person feels comfortable making sound or touching themselves. We demonstrate on ourselves, and then we invite them to do the same. We make sounds ourselves as an invitation to them. 

Jovelyn: Can you demonstrate a breathwork session you might take a client through? Listeners – feel free to join. I will share what I’m experiencing while we are all breathing together.

Celeste: Breathe into your chest. Place a hand on the chest. Breathe into the belly. Place a hand on the belly. Breathe into the pelvic floor. Place a hand on the pelvic floor. Bring your consciousness to your pelvic floor. Feel your pelvic floor soften.

Jovelyn: As I’m breathing, I start to pay attention to my own heartbeat. I still haven’t opened my eyes which is really nice. I can feel my stomach pressing towards my hand as I breathe in.

Celeste: Now open your throat and make sound. Breathe down to the pelvic floor.

Jovelyn: I can literally felt my vagina tingling. The tingling is becoming a ray of light!

Celeste : You can increase the tingling by squeezing the pelvic floor muscles when you breathe in, and then releasing when you breathe out. And let that tingle move up through your whole body.

Jovelyn: It’s so empowering to know ourselves and the secrets of our own sensuality.

Tia: I’ve been working with a sexual health coach already. The movement of the breath really helps connect the voice with the pelvic floor. As soon as I started breathing, I realized I have been clenching my pelvic floor. Breathing helped to release it right away.

HSDD + Low Sex Drive in Women

Jovelyn: A new caller, Veronica, just joined us. She is asking about hypoactive sexual dysfunction disorder – which is another way of saying low desire. She feels she may be on the asexual spectrum and has been feeling really low about it recently.

Celeste: Low desire is the most common complaint that women have when seeking out a sexual health specialist. Be gentle on yourself. Our society is constantly giving women negative messages around their sexuality. Take off the pressure and know it will be a slow process. Take your time reconnecting with yourself. 

Jovelyn: Lastly – how can people find out more about your training and coaching?

Danielle: We do a free live intro Q&A to Somatica a few times a year. Check our website for dates, and come join us!