Low Libido Causes: Are Social Norms Killing Your Sex Drive?

There are so many, much-hyped causes of low sex drive in women. Hormone imbalances. Stress. Relationship issues. Sexual dysfunction and health issues. Lack of sleep.

But what about social norms, body image, and messaging? Is it possible that the cultural messages around sex and body image you’ve been receiving since childhood are the true root causes of your lack of interest in sex?

How Culture Influences Sexuality – and Your Libido

Social and cultural norms have long shaped women’s sexuality, desire, and turn on potential. How you feel about yourself as a sexual person has a huge impact on your libido. And, unfortunately, in our culture, women’s sexuality is repressed and stigmatized.

From the time we are girls all the way through the phases of womanhood, we are given messages that sex is not for us. Sexual women are still called “sluts” or “whores”, and we are told to fear – and be responsible for preventing – pregnancy and STDs.

We are also given the responsibility of gatekeeping boy’s and men’s desire, to protect our virginity and reputation. This generally separates us into two categories – mothers fit for marriage, and whores you sleep with (also known as The Madonna Complex).

In the midst of these kinds of negative messages, to obtain and keep a happy relationships, we also are supposed to look and act sexy. And want sex – even though we are really not supposed to want it, or do it.

Slut Shaming in Society

Have you ever noticed that highly sexual women in movies and television shows are usually villains who often end up being punished or killed? The less sexual women, on the other hand, get rescued, loved, and married.

In the face of the constant bombardment of these types of messages, some of it inevitably sinks in. It leaves us women shameful of our sexuality, distanced from our desires, and denied the freedom to pursue them openly and honestly.

We distance from our desire to protect ourselves from being labeled “slut”, and end up not being able to reconnect with it when we want it. We often lose our natural abilities to walk in the world comfortably connected with our sexuality, which inhibits not only our libido but many other things including our ability to flirt, attract partners, seduce, enjoy pleasure, touch and move our bodies in sensual ways, make sexual sounds and reach orgasms.

Test Your Sexual Comfortability

Unfortunately, because of all of this, women often don’t even think about the need for sexual compatibility when choosing a long-term partner. So take a moment to think about your own comfort with your sexuality and ask yourself these questions:

1) Do you get embarrassed talking about sex?
2) When you get dressed up, do you pay attention to whether you look “too slutty”?
3) Do you feel comfortable initiating sex and asking for what you want sexually?
4) Do you move and make noises during sex to enhance your own pleasure (not for your partner)?
5) Do you notice people who you are attracted to and make eye contact or flirt with them?
6) If you have children, did you notice yourself feeling “weird” about being sexual once you had your children?
7) Do you feel comfortable talking dirty during a sexual experience?
8) Do you feel comfortable being naked in front of your partner and having them look at every part of your body? (We will talk more about this in the next blog on body-image).
9) Do you have fantasies about how you want to be seduced and taken?
10) Do you notice when you are feeling turned on or horny?
11) Do you masturbate when you feel aroused?
12) Do you feel comfortable helping yourself get orgasms however you need to (i.e. touching yourself or using a vibrator when you are with your partner)?

If you answered “Yes” to questions 1, 2, 6, and “No” to any of the others, your low libido is likely coming, at least partially, from sexual shame.

The Connection Between Body Image and Low Libido

So many women spend so much of their lives hating their body, struggling against it, and punishing it for having curves or wrinkles or spots.

Women feel like they don’t deserve to have sexual pleasure until their bodies are perfect (and there is no such thing as a perfect body if magazines even feel the need to airbrush supermodels). The media, the dieting industry, the fashion industry and so many of our cultural outlets tell women that they have to change themselves to be beautiful. This way, they can keep making money off of women’s insecurities. And, yupp – it’s yet another cause of low libido.

When women diet in unhealthy ways, starve themselves, or overexercise, their sex drive goes down. If you think about it in biological terms, it doesn’t make sense to make a baby if you won’t be able to feed it or yourself. Also, many women feel ashamed about being naked in front of their partners. Instead of feeling the pleasure of sexual arousal, they experience sex as though they are outside of themselves, watching to make sure their stomach or thighs don’t appear too fat.

Love the Body You’re In!

Body image does not change from manipulating your body – it changes when you start loving your body just the way it is. So stop monitoring every bit you eat, or every pound you have, and then beating yourself up about it.

Sometimes just the act of loving your body inspires you to take good care of yourself, eat healthy, and exercise. When you look at your body with love and picture others doing the same, you begin to walk in the world in a way that is more open and alive. You believe that you deserve pleasure and people begin to respond to this aliveness and this belief.

The freedom from diet-brain and self-hatred is a personal freedom – it is about claiming your right to pleasure and self-love.

What You Can Do to Reclaim Your Body and Libido in Society

This might sound surprising – but libido is about having power out in the world and claiming your voice. It’s about connecting with other women, and changing the world in positive ways so that women’s sexuality is celebrated and cherished instead of denigrated and denied.

One way you can reclaim this basic right might be to attend a SlutWalk, an event organized in response to a comment by Toronto police offer who said that to remain safe, “women should avoid dressing like sluts.” At events like these, women speak about how they have triumphed in the face of adversity, and about women’s sexual freedom issues that still need to be addressed.

Another idea is to join – or start! – a women’s group with your friends or acquaintances, and educating yourselves and each other about women’s issues and women’s sexuality (or girls’ sexual development). When you begin to see how all women have been denied the full expression of their sexual desire, you become motivated and inspired to change the world and when you make positive changes in the world, you feel more alive and sexy as well!