Question from a Reader: Orgasm During Intercourse

Hello Celeste and Danielle,

At the risk of being too blunt, I’ll come right out and tell you that I am a 45-year-old fit and sexually active divorced female who would like to figure out how to more easily have orgasms during intercourse. I have a G-Spot that responds well to finger stimulation plus oral sex to reach a terrific climax, but I have been unable to orgasm during intercourse without vigorous and sustained clitoral stimulation. I find this really frustrating, especially since the men I’ve been dating seem to think that most women can easily reach intercourse through penetration alone. I know you have several offerings. I have a limited budget, so I would like to identify the right workshop or approach for my specific request.
Thank you so much.

Angela (name has been changed)

Dear Angela,

It is wonderful to hear from you and we’d be delighted to help you as much as we can! Unfortunately, because of Freud’s insistence that clitoral orgasms were immature and vaginal orgasms during intercourse were the mature way of orgasming, women’s sexual pleasure and self-esteem suffered greatly. And women continue to suffer from trying to achieve this standard. Today we know that 70% of women need clitoral stimulation in order to orgasm. For women to have orgasms during intercourse, they need the penis to stimulate the G-Spot, which often requires particular positions or particular matches between genital sizes, movements, and rhythms. Women can also get clitoral orgasms during penetration without outside stimulation when a man’s pelvis rubs against or bumps against the clitoris or when the in-and-out motion of the penis pulls the inner lips and the hood across the clitoral head. Another way that women can experience orgasm through penetration is through cervical orgasm (this is the most rare as only a small percentage of women come from cervical stimulation alone). Unfortunately, many women feel the pressure to have unassisted orgasms during intercourse. Therefore, many women end up faking at least some of their orgasms. It is fine to explore your possibility for having orgasms from intercourse alone, but it is almost impossible to have those orgasms if you are feeling pressured or like there is something wrong with you if you don’t. Having orgasms during intercourse without the assistance of your hands, your partners hands or a vibrator is much more rare and the pressure to do so means that women end up have way less pleasure then they could during intercourse – they also feel bad about themselves, which makes them want to avoid sex.

We can tell you personally, that, as two very open, sexual women, we have very different experiences of sex and orgasm — and no one way is better. One of us is straight and one of us is bisexual. One of us can warm up and have orgasms very quickly and the other takes a long time to warm up. One of us can have each kind of orgasms – clitoral, G-Spot, and cervical – separately, while the other needs clitoral stimulation for all her orgasms. Both of us love combination orgasms the best (clit plus G-Spot or clit plus cervix). We both often have sex that doesn’t include any intercourse at all 🙂 We both really, REALLY love our vibrators and use them almost every time we have sex – we share a particular liking for the combination of strong finger stimulation on the G-Spot plus a Mystic Wand vibrator! One of us ejaculates often and with G-Spot orgasm, the other rarely ejaculates and the ejaculation is (so far) always separate from orgasm. Last but not least – we both love anal play and for one of us, it greatly enhances orgasm for the other anal is a wonderful variation to add some spice.

When we work with women, we begin by helping them accept and celebrate who they are and the pleasure they experience – whether or not they are having orgasms. We help women learn how to have clitoral, G-Spot, cervical and anal pleasure, ejaculation and multi-orgasms and we empower them to get their orgasms any way they can. We also strongly urge you to embrace and feel proud of the orgasms you have and to be clear with your partners that you expect them to embrace the ways you orgasm as well!

Warmly,

Celeste and Danielle

Hi Celeste and Danielle,

Thank you for your thoughtful response. You confirmed a sneaking suspicion I’ve had, which is that the percentage of women who can climax during intercourse didn’t change during the years I was married, but the pressure to do so increased to such a degree that the number of women who say they can or are faking it increased quite a bit, leading men to believe that women who can’t have some kind of a deficit. It’s too bad. When I got married we didn’t know about our G spots in particular, and I think the awareness of what we can achieve my stimulating them is all good, but the attendant pressure on the hands-free orgasm isn’t.