In Relationships You Need to Mind the Gap
If a relationship lasts long enough, it is inevitable that you will eventually experience The Gap – and the gap gets in the way of so much of happiness. Before we take a look at all the problems the gap causes and what we can do about it, we must first define it.
What is the Relationship Gap?
The gap, friends, is that pesky difference between who you first imagined your partner was and the person who is actually sitting in front of you. The gap happens for sooooooo many reasons, but here are the most important:
- Romantic Projection – you are told so many stories about what love is supposed to be, that it colors the way that you look at a potential partner. In order for them to meet the romantic fantasy of being a perfect match, you only see the parts of them that fit into that picture, or, if you are quite good at magical thinking, you manage to see those parts even when they aren’t there at all!
- Marketing – at the beginning, your partner was putting their best foot forward. Because humans are social creatures who know what people usually want in a partner and a potential partner can also read all the signals you put out about what you like and don’t like, when you met they emphasized the things about themselves that fit into this image. In other words, they tried very hard to be what they thought you wanted them to be so that you would like them. Marketing can include hiding the parts of themselves they think you won’t like, slightly exaggerating traits you seem to like about them, or just straight up lying to win your favor.
- Circumstance – whenever, however and wherever you met, the activities you were engaging in or they way you were living your life made you seem like you were more compatible than you really are. For example, you met in school where you had so much in common because…you were both going to school!!! Now, you are out in the real world and it turns out that your interests, or how you like to spend your time, or how often you have energy to have sex have completely changed.
The Gap can cause you to think that you were tricked or that your partner used to love you, but doesn’t love you anymore. It can cause you to go on a partner improvement spree, where you try to get your partner to be all the ways that you thought they were. It can cause you to feel like you made a wrong choice and, if you just keep looking, you will find the person that meets all of these needs.
How The Gap Can Turn Into a Relationship Fail
Whether you are in a relationship, or in the process of looking for a relationship that really works for you, it is important to know why they fail and what you can do about it.
There are many reasons why relationships fail, from being in the vortex and activating each other’s old wounds to following social habits and learning that cause us to hide our true selves. At the end of the day, some very harmful patterns – including the dreaded Gap – can cause relationships to melt down.
For women, often relationships fail because you don’t know what it is you really want from your partner. Or, if you do, you don’t ask clearly. If this goes on long enough, you end up resentful and frustrated and take it out on your partner.
For men, relationships often fail because you are trying to pretend to be something you are not: the perfect boyfriend, husband, father or man, instead of admitting your true needs and your own challenges.
If this goes on long enough, you end up defensive and are driven to get your needs met elsewhere. These destructive patterns usually are the ruin of relationships.
Minding the Gap Means Acceptance
Consider that you might want to actually Mind the Gap. By which we mean – keep in mind that the Gap will be there in every relationship.
This doesn’t mean you shouldn’t wholeheartedly enjoy the beginning where everything feels perfect – being so doped up on hormones and projections that your feet don’t touch the ground is one of the finest parts of the whole adventure.
At the same time, remember that the Gap will show up eventually and, while we wholeheartedly support you allowing yourself to feel all the feelings, and have all the tantrums (for more on how to have a good, connected tantrum with your partner check out the book Making Love Real) you need to have, we also encourage you to not make the Gap mean that your partner doesn’t love you or that you just haven’t found “the one” or that you can get back to how you (never really) were if you just try hard enough.
Be mindful of the Gap, watch the insidious ways the difference between who you thought your partner was, and who they actually are, can get between the two of you. Instead of twisting it into some horrible tragedy, learn how to step over it be accepting the person who is actually sitting across from you and experience real love.
